2007年11月6日星期二

中毒的父母

连载

第一章 神圣的父母完美父母的神话



 
 古希腊人有一个难处。那些从奥林匹亚山顶的天台向下俯瞰的神仙们可以对希腊人所做的任何事做出宣判。只要一不高兴,可以立即惩罚他们。他们不需要仁慈,
也不需要公正,甚至连正误都可以不加考究。事实上,他们可以全然不讲道理。一旦心血来潮,便可以将你变为山谷中的回音,或者罚你永生永世往山上推石头。不
用说,这些法力无边的众神喜怒无常,在他们肉体凡胎的仆人中引起了不小的恐惧和迷惘。



 
 许多畸形的家长—子女关系也与此相似。喜怒无常的父母在孩子眼里也是令人生畏的神。很小的时候,我们神圣的父母对我们就是一切。没有父母,我们便会缺少
关爱、无人庇护、流离失所、食不裹腹,生活在持续的恐惧状态中,眼睁睁地等着自己孤单地死去。他们是我们全能的供养人,我们需要什么,他们就给什么。

  没有人或事情可以比照他们,我们便认为他们是十全十美的父母了。随着我们的天地向婴儿床以外拓展,我们自然就需要维护这种完美的形象,以抵御越来越多遇到的未曾知晓的大事情。只要我们相信父母是完美的,便会感到有个保护人。

  在我们生命的第二和第三个年头,便开始想要独立了。我们不情愿接受拉屎撒尿的训练,忘情地使用着我们的“两条小腿”。我们拥抱不这个字眼,因为它使我们多少可以控制自己的生活,而是只不过是一种默认。我们拼命想培育自己独特的身份,建立自己的意志。

 
 进入青春期,试图摆脱父母的过程便达到了高峰,此时我们已经敢于以积极的姿态审视父母的价值观、趣味和权威。在一个理性稳定的家庭里,父母是经得起这些
变化所造成的相当一部分焦躁情绪的。他们多半尽量宽容孩子身上崭露的独立性,如果严格说来不是在鼓励这种独立性的话,“这只是人生的一个阶段”成为通情达
理的家长表达自信的标准用语,这些家长没有忘记自己的青少年时代,意识到孩子的反叛只不过是情感发展的一个正常阶段。

 
 中毒的父母就不是这么通情达理了。从孩子学会大小便起直到青少年时代,他们往往会把孩子的反叛甚至个性差异视为对自己的人身攻击。他们通过强化孩子的依
赖性和无助感来维护自己。他们非但不去促进孩子的健康发展,反而不自觉地在破坏它,还常常认为自己这样做完全是为了孩子好。他们会说些“这是在培养他的性
格”或“她得懂得是非”之类的话,但是,他们那负面的攻击手段的确伤害了孩子的自尊心,破坏了他们萌动的独立感。不管这些父母如何相信自己是正确的,这类
攻击总是使孩子摸不着头脑,在其所具有的凶狠性、激烈性和突然性面前表现得狼狈不堪。

  我们的文化和宗教在维护父母权威至高无上方面几乎是一致的。对丈夫、妻子、恋人、兄弟姐妹、上司和朋友发火是可以接受的,但是对父母直言相抗却几乎是禁忌。对于“不能同妈妈顶嘴”或者“你怎么敢冲着爸爸吵?”这一类的话我们不是耳熟能详了吗?犹太—基督教(Judeo-Christian)的传统,通过宣告“圣父”如何如何,以及指示我们“孝敬你的父母”,将这一禁忌供奉在我们的集体无意识(collective unconscious)中了。在我们的学校、教会、政府(政府宣扬“重新重视家庭的价值”),甚至公司中都能发现这一思想的影响。根据传统的思想,父母有权控制我们仅仅是因为他们给予了我们生命。

 
 因此,孩子就得由神圣的父母掌握了,他们也像古希腊人一样,永远也不知道下一次闪电会是怎样的。但是中毒父母的孩子知道闪电是迟早要来的。这种恐惧是根
深蒂固的,并且随着年龄的增长越来越强烈。在每一个曾经受过虐待的成年人的内心深处—甚至具有很高成就的成年人的内心深处—他依然是个虚弱无能、担惊受怕
的孩子。







第一章 神圣的父母姑息神的代价



 
 当孩子的自尊心遭到打击,他的依赖性增加了,也愈加相信自己需要父母的保护和供养。情感攻击和身体虐待对孩子造成的惟一影响就是他或她是否要为中毒父母
的行为承担责任。问题是,无论父母是多么刻毒,你还得神化他们。即使你在某种程度上已经知道父亲打你是错的,可能还觉得他有理。理性上理解了,却不足以使
你在感情上相信自己是没有责任的。正像我的一位患者所说,“当时我觉得他们十全十美。所以当他们待我不好的时候,我想还是我不对”。



  在对神圣父母的这种信仰中有两种中心学说:

  1.我坏,父母好。

  2.我弱,父母强。

  这些固执的信念甚至在你摆脱了对父母物质上的依赖以后还可以在心中存留好长时间。这些信念支撑着你对父母的信仰,使你回避这样一个痛苦的事实,即你神圣的父母实际上在你最易受伤害的时候背叛了你。

  朝着掌握自身命运迈出的第一步就是自己面对这一事实,这是需要勇气的。但是,如果你已经开始阅读本书,那就是说你已经做出了改变的承诺,这也是需要勇气的。“他们永远不允许我忘记我是如何让他们丢脸的”

Apply Treatment or Life Saving Measures?



草庵居士----政治与经济

Sunday, February 27, 2005











Apply Treatment or Life Saving Measures?






-- On the Critically-ill Securities Industry in China

Many
of you may be curious to know why I am saying “treatment or life
saving” to describe the problems of the Chinese securities industry.
You may ask: who needs treatment and whose life needs saved?  In fact,
I am not the one who invented the terms. Chinese scholars invented them
to vividly depict what actually goes on in today’s Chinese securities
industry.

Is the Chinese securities industry really critically ill?

On
October 22, 2004, after the market closed, the People’s Bank of China,
the China Securities Regulatory Commission (CSRS), and the government
of Liaoning Province collectively decided to entrust the China Cinda
Asset Management Company to manage the Liaoning Securities. The
Liaoning Securities reportedly had a black hole of 4 billion yuan
(US$0.48 billion). The People’s Bank of China (also referred to as the
central bank in China) has tentatively agreed to bail out Liaoning
Securities. During the first half year of management in trust, Cinda
will be responsible for cleaning up Liaoning Securities’ debts and
liabilities, and performing an early stage reorganization. Once Cinda
completes the trust period, the Liaoning Securities will be taken over
by another company.

Liaoning Securities is one of the seven
securities firms that have been taken over by the government this year.
The 4 billion Yuan (US$0.48 billion) deficit disclosed was the result
of a recent review of all of Liaoning Securities’ debts. The true
figure of the loss could be as high as 7 billion Yuan (US$0.85
billion), according to people familiar with the matter.  

Before
this incident, the stock crisis of Xinjiang Delong Group involved as
much as 50 billion Yuan (US$6.04 billion) of loss. The Chinese
government saved this publicly listed private company with both
governmental guarantees and capital injection, an unprecedented move in
China’s history of the securities market. The recent nose-dive of the
Chinese stock market has created additional crisis for the Chinese
securities industry. Without exceptions, almost every securities firm
is stuck in difficult situations. Technically speaking, the Chinese
securities industry is already bankrupt, with a loss of as much as 100
billion Yuan (US$12.1 billion). This is certainly consistent with the
technically bankrupt Chinese banking system.
  
Back in 2001, I
had a conversation with a top Chinese official in regard to the
potential crisis in China’s securities industry. Though the issues were
not as serious as those in China’s banking system, the securities
industry had already shown some signs of systemic deficiency.
Unfortunately for some reason, I was not able to obtain accurate data
to fully discuss my concerns with this official.

Lacking
accurate data is still a problem today. Lately, when asked about
detailed figures, some financial experts and government officials told
me very frankly, “We ourselves cannot obtain the true figures. When we
do research, we have to glean data from various government reports and
then analyze them with our own judgment.”  

From
many Chinese newspapers and various public channels, I was able to
compile some alarming data and information. In 2003 the Chinese
securities market was entirely in the red. According to the annual
reports from 55 members of the National Inter-Bank Loan Center, the
loss of 55 securities firms totaled 47 million yuan (US$5.68 million).
Some had huge losses, for example, Minsheng Securities lost 467 million
Yuan (US$56.4 million). Five firms reported over 1.1 billion Yuan
(US$0.13 billion) total loss, with each losing at least 100 million
Yuan. The total 2003 annual loss of China’s securities firms, excluding
the loss in the businesses in trust financing, surpassed the record of
100 billion Yuan (US$12.1 billion).

In
August of 2004, the overall deficit of China’s securities industry
surged to another record level, 170 billion Yuan (US$20.5 billion). In
fact, the overall deficit of China’s securities industry in 2003 wiped
out almost all the capitals it raised, which signaled the beginning of
the actual bankruptcy of the entire industry.

In respect to it’s
accomplishment in the securities industry, the Chinese government has
claimed, “China’s securities industry has accomplished in just over a
decade what the western nations accomplished in a hundred years.”

In
my opinion, China’s securities industry did far more than accomplishing
a 100-year endeavor of the western world. As of today the western
securities industries have gone bankrupt, while their Chinese
counterparts have already accomplished what they dare not to
accomplish: total bankruptcy. What an “extraordinary way of surpassing
the west!”

A little hard to believe? In the past few days, I
learned from some official sources that the Chinese government approved
various security firms, including Hainan China Bank, Dalian Securities,
Anshan Securities, Beijing Huayang Loan Corp, Shanxi Huakang Trust,
Jiamusi Securities, and Xinhua Securities, to go through bankruptcy
procedures. The bankruptcy case of Dalian Securities is on trial in the
People’s Intermediate Court of Dalian City. The risk of raising funds
in the capital market became very high recently as a few securities
giants including Southern Securities and Min Fa Securities disclosed
losses of billions of Yuan. According to my calculation based on
incomplete public official reports, the abuse margin in the securities
industry reached over 200 billion Yuan (US$24.2 billion), which
translates to 2.54 trillion Yuan (US$0.31 trillion) for the cost of the
financial reform in China
[1].
By the most conservative estimates, an additional 1.2 trillion Yuan
(US$0.14 trillion) injection is needed for the Chinese financial
industry. Adding both items together, to pull the financial industry
out of non-performing loans, the Chinese government has to set aside
3.7 trillion Yuan (US$0.45 trillion)--equivalent to 2,850 Yuan
(US$344.2) per capita in China.  

How
did Chinese stockholders end up with such misfortune? Their misfortune
actually began on the very first day the securities market was
established in China. From that first day to October of 2004, China
raised 900 billion Yuan (US$108.7 billion) by issuing new stocks and
collected 300 billion Yuan (US$36.2 billion) of stock-related taxes,
and the securities firms charged around 250 billion Yuan (US$30.2
billion) of commissions. In other words, Chinese shareholders invested
a total of about 1.5 trillion Yuan (US$0.18 trillion) in the stock
market. Yet their returns have totaled a miserable 70 billion Yuan
(US$8.45 billion) from the stock yields, with the gulf of difference
totaling 1.4 trillion Yuan (US$0.17 trillion), most of which is born by
average Chinese shareholders.

From another perspective, the
market capitalization of China’s entire securities market is worth 1.5
trillion Yuan (US$0.18 trillion), two thirds of which are in terms of
the restricted shares controlled in the Chinese government’s hands.
Almost each of the 60 million shareholders has incurred significant
losses.

The foundation of the Chinese securities industry has
almost vanished entirely. In today’s Chinese securities market, there
is no trace of rule or law, only deceit, excessive speculation and
gambling. It’s no secret that nowadays illegal trading and deceit are
the only rules. In June 2003, CSRS asked all stock exchanges to conduct
a survey among major securities firms. It discovered that the illegal
buyback of government bonds totaled 20 billion Yuan (US$2.42 billion).
Six months later, the authorities ordered Southern Securities to stop
any bond trading and officially take over control of the company.
Having discovered that Southern Securities owed 5 billion Yuan (US$0.60
billion), CSRS decided on February 25, 2004, that China Securities
Registration Corporation should conduct another survey on illegal
buybacks of government bonds. The survey this time showed that the
amount of illegal buybacks surged five times within only six months,
reaching 100 billion Yuan (US$12.1 billion).  


The
financial reports for the first half of this year revealed that the
large account deficit of the securities firms was mainly attributed to
a high percentage of their own portfolio existing in their portfolio
configurations. Among the 40 securities firms that issued financial
reports for the first half year, securities worth 29.3 billion Yuan
(US$3.54 billion) were owned directly by the firms themselves--a
position which had changed little from the beginning of the year. These
firms all suffered tremendous loss in the second quarter as both the
equity and bond markets went south. In particular, Haitong Securities
lost 317 million Yuan (US$38.3 million) in its own portfolio. Shenyin
Wanguo saw their portfolio value drop 175 million Yuan (US$21.1
million). Guotai JunAn and Guangdong Securities lost 133 million Yuan
(US$16.1 million) and 100 million Yuan (US$12.1 million), respectively.

It
is estimated that the loss in these securities firms’ own portfolios
outpaced their overall revenues in the first six month, with the median
loss being 129 percent of their revenue. Actually the depreciation of
their portfolios became the major culprit for their deficit. On the
other hand, the newly promoted business of financial trust securities
accounts was another area of disaster. The overall business manages 100
billion Yuan (US$12.1 billion). Normally the securities firms guarantee
their customers for a minimum return of 6 percent. Some even promise a
15 percent return. This means that even if the securities firms would
withdraw the capital from the equity market right after the market drop
in the second quarter, their loss would have reached 20 billion yuan
(US$2.4 billion). Based on some publicly available data, I estimate
that the actual loss in that business, totals 40 billion yuan (US$4.83
billion). The securities firms in China are really on the verge of
collapse. After the subsequent nose-dive of the Chinese stock market in
September, that loss is likely to exceed 50 billion yuan (US$6.04
billion).

In addition, savvy investors must be asking, “So, now
you tell me that China’s securities market lacks regulations and laws
and that securities firms are illegally diverting their customers’
funds. There’s something else missing in this picture. It seems that
the source for a large amount of securities firms’ funds is a still
mystery. Where is all the money coming from?”

The answer is
actually very simple. With a series of Chinese government policies and
laws, experts outside of China were misled to believe that everything
in China was legalized and the financial system in China was consistent
with the western system.

This is certainly not the case. In
spite of the government ruling in the past few years that bank funds
are prohibited from entering the securities market, due to the problems
of the system, securities firms and the banking industry have been
closely tied together, and a lot of funds freely flow from banks to the
securities firms. From the central government to local governments,
from corporations to government agencies, everyone, out of one’s own
interest, has been broadly violating laws in the name of, “developing
the economy and maintaining the stability.”

The major avenue
through which securities firms obtain the funds from banks is through
the practice of short-term loans within the industry. Data shows that
as of March 31, 2004, securities firms raised 222.2 billion Yuan
(US$26.84 billion) via the short-term loans from various banks, which
covered over 80 percent of the total bank loans. The second avenue
through which securities firms obtain funds from banks is re-loaning
from the People’s Bank of China. In dealing with the issue of closedown
and takeover of securities firms, the People’s Bank of China has been
playing the role of the last “life-saver” for an extended period of
time. Since 2002, the People’s Bank of China has refinanced many
troubling securities firms and helped them escape from the disaster.
The Chinese government has been tapping into government credit and
public funds to rescue law-breaking securities firms, and through
various means it is robbing the wealth of millions of ordinary Chinese.
The impact of such a practice is often negative. Not only does it
encourage illegal practice within securities firms and magnify the cost
of China’s financial reform, but also it ultimately forces all Chinese
people to share the loss. For example, the 1.5 (US$0.18 billion) and
1.45 billion Yuan (US$0.175 billion) of loans that the People’s Bank of
China issued respectively to the troubled Anshan Securities and Xinhua
Securities now vanished entirely with the bankruptcy of these firms. In
addition, the 10 billion Yuan (US$1.21 billion) of refinancing for
Southern Securities and other securities firms will almost certainly
not return. The reserve fund that the Chinese government allocated to
take over Southern Securities alone totaled as much as 8 billion Yuan.
It looks like another 10 billion Yuan (US$1.21 billion) of new,
non-performing loans will surely be added.  

Today’s securities
firms in China are absolutely lawless, and so are the publicly listed
companies and the government administration organs. Recently, Mr. Zhang
Weixin, a financial expert in China, filed a lawsuit against the
State-owned Assets Supervision and Administration Committee of State
Council (SASAC). The Chinese government purposely encouraged publicly
listed companies to illegally swallow smaller companies. The incident
involved reported that TV & Broadcast Intermediary Co. that used
its stocks to pay down its debts, and this clearly reveals how the
Chinese government violated the law and deceived ordinary Chinese
investors of the company. After Mr. Zhang filed his lawsuit, a Chinese
court rejected his case, with the excuse that “state-owned shares” have
already been written off.

According to Section 186 of the
current Corporate Law, when a company needs to write off registered
capital, it must compile the balance sheet and a list of resources. It
must inform debtors within ten days after its decision to write off
registered capital, and within thirty days it must publish a notice at
least three times in newspapers. Within 30 days after receiving the
official notice or 90 days after the first public notice, debtors are
eligible to demand the company to pay back the debt or provide
appropriate guarantees. The registered capital after the write-off
cannot be lower than the legal minimum. Based on this section, at least
the following processes have to be followed to write off assets: the
notice should be published after the board meeting is held and the
write-off decision is approved, and, 90 days after the public notice,
the write-off can proceed if there is no dispute from debtors. In stark
contrast, in Zhang’s lawsuit, it is clear that China’s legal entity,
SASAC, and the publicly listed company, openly ignored the law without
even covering up their crimes. And, all for the sake of their own
interests. How shameless and corrupt!  

When a country openly
tramples its own laws and ignores the interest of its own citizens, in
what way can it have any credit or dignity? By the same token, when a
one-trillion-Yuan industry took only a dozen years to accomplish the
“mission” from a “flourishing” system to a bankrupt one, isn’t the root
cause clear enough?  
In face of the trauma of China’s securities
industry, some people once questioned if the challenges the Chinese
government faces are to treat the patient or to save his life? Some
people in China once criticized the western securities theories and
practices in the excuse of China’s specific situations.

Is China
really so different from the rest of the world? Shall we really toss
out the existing theories and practices completely and reinvent the
wheel only because of “China’s special situations”? “China does not
have to reinvent the wheel,” as one Chinese official concluded. In some
sense, I agree with his viewpoint very much. What China needs, is to
renovate itself, not to ignore the experiences of other countries in
the name of “special situations.” It is not that western economic
theories are inapplicable, but the lack of self-renovation, and
appropriate political and legal systems that plague China.  

Treatment
is certainly essential to the Chinese securities industry. Yet to truly
cure the industry, one must first cure the Chinese political system and
strengthen and perfect its legal system. It requires the Chinese
government to follow its own laws, rather than to trample them. Only
through such changes, can the Chinese securities industry really get
out of the current critical condition. Unfortunately, this is not what
the Chinese government is willing to do.
Life-saving is apparently
the choice of the Chinese government. First of all, with the nose-dive
of China’s stock market, the present government has applied desperate
measures by introducing the policy of allowing bank funds and social
security funds to enter the stock market. It is obvious that the
government has given up the plan for China’s long-term interest. As is
well known, even in the United States and many European countries where
the legal systems have better integrity and the regulations are
tougher, that allowing bank funds to enter stock markets is strictly
regulated. In the United States, social security and benefit funds are
extremely restricted and regulated against entering the equity market.
Ordinary people choose to deposit their funds into banks only because
of the low risk of the banking system as compared to the high risks of
the equity market. In contrast, once the boundary between commercial
banks and investment banks is blurred in China, how can Chinese people
have any sense of financial security any more? In exchange for today’s
stability and for the interest of its communist party and a few groups,
the present Chinese government is willing to sacrifice the future of
the country and of its citizens. Ironically, this is what the Chinese
government calls, “the innovative economic reform” and “maintaining
social stability.”  

As a matter of fact, ever since China
opened its first stock market, it has been aiming at the huge private
savings of its citizens. The functions of China’s equity market can be
roughly categorized as follows: the first step is to let some local
powerful entities issue stocks to shift the tremendous risks and
potential crisis of the state-owned enterprises to the ordinary
citizens; the monopolized capitals are used to steal the wealth of the
society via the stock market; once the central government realized the
tremendous gains in this avenue, they started to offer slices of the
pie to their local governments; and then many government entities began
to be actively involved in the equity market, and become the market
makers who openly deceive and rob the Chinese people. Meanwhile, the
participation of the small to medium investors in the market
practically covers up the two functions above, and in fact, they become
the symbolic decoration to validate the legality of the equity market.

When
the state-owned banks and the central government are in trouble, the
Chinese securities market becomes the best resource in slowing down the
crisis of the state-owned enterprises. As is seen, large state-owned
enterprises now become the dominant force in the raising capital game
of the stock market. From Sinopec to Baosteel Group, to investment
banks, the big killer whales are busy butchering the innocent
shareholders in Chinese stock markets. In spite of their shrewd slogans
of “perfecting the corporate administration structures,” their intent
to use the equity market to relieve their financial troubles is very
obvious. Today raising capital in the equity market becomes a single
most important goal of most Chinese enterprises. The critically ill
Chinese state-owned banks are also fighting to climb onto the already
shaky boat of the Chinese equity market. It is very likely that these
enterprises are too heavy to stay afloat. The result could be that the
equity market will not only fail to save the humongous state-owned
banks, but it too, will capsize.

In China, the only functionality of the securities market is to create a deficit in China’s future, without any restriction.  
Xinhua
News Agency reported on October 17, “The authorities explained the
reason to purchase individual debts and customers’ securities exchange
settlement funds. During the take-over process, individual debts will
be purchased at discount and the debtors can use this to participate in
the asset allotment.” (Author’s note: Debt up to 100,000 Yuan
(UD$12077.3) will be purchased entirely, while the amount in excess of
this limit will be purchased at a 90 percent discount.)

Although
the report did not elaborate the cause of the practice, one can
understand that under the threat of take-over, resolving the issue of
individual debts for the highly risky securities firms is just part of
a series of strategies from the central bank to treat the firms that
have long been in the red. The Chinese securities industry is truly in
a bloody phase. Despite the life saving remedy from the central
government by using the public funds of the country, I am still
doubtful of the future of China’s securities industry. The drastic move
by the central government to use public funds to save the Chinese
banking system has only, based on my years of observations, piled up
the mountain of bad loans without improving the fundamentals of China’s
banking system at all. So, how can this life-saving action for China’s
securities industry lead to any different results?  I recall a Chinese
economist’s argument, “the conflicts in China’s economic reform are
accumulating upwards (towards the central government).”

Can
ordinary Chinese avoid the disaster that streams upward? I have no
answer for such a serious question, as I don’t know how the Chinese
government handles these issues. Let us all keep watch.
  
So, again, I ask, do we need treatment or life-saving for the critically ill Chinese financial and securities industries?

[1]
The 2.54 trillion Yuan comes from 1) 1.68 trillion Yuan of NPLs in four
big state banks; 2) .86 trillion Yuan of NPLs transferred to asset
management companies. They add up to 2.54 trillion Yuan.




Powered by ScribeFire.

家游网:《家用电脑与游戏》杂志 普通生活 - 使用 Google 工具栏进行发送

家游网:《家用电脑与游戏》杂志 普通生活

普通生活
2004-12-29    庄里的五弦    《家用电脑与游戏》2004年7月号
打印自: 家游网:《家用电脑与游戏》杂志
地址: http://www.playgamer.com/article.php?articleid=496
昔日

                                                           
  尽管那已经是将近十年以前的事了,然而那个下午的场景却一直很清晰的保留在我的脑海中。我记得那个下午的天空很暗,没有一丝的阳光射下来,教室中的六个日光灯管发出了并不明亮的白光,其中有一个灯管因为老化而不断的发出一种令人烦躁的刺刺拉拉的声音。
  那个时候,我是一个初中二年级的学生,李维也是一样,他和我在同一个班,而且还是同桌。所不同的是,他是一个好学生,老师这么说,认识他的人这么说,大家都是这么说。然而我却是一个毫不起眼的学生,普通的不能再普通。
  那个下午的第一节课是作文课,我们的班主任让刚刚学会写议论文的我们写一篇看图议论文,那副图画是这样的:一个小男孩坐在椅子上,脸上是一副惊恐的表情,在他的面前摆着一台游戏机,一只又像老虎又像豹子的野兽从那其中蹦了出来,它的身上还写着四个大字――"电子游戏"。
  我的同学们在那个时候都在卖力的对游戏进行口诛笔伐,当然那其中有一部分人是违心的,我就是其中一个。然而坐在我旁边的李维却呆呆的看着课本,一点都没有要动笔的意思。我们的班主任很快便发现了这一点,于是她慢吞吞的向我们这张桌子走了过来。
  "怎么了?李维,不好写么?"班主任语气温柔的说。
  "不是,是我不想写。"李维语气生硬的回答道。
  "什么?你说什么?"我们的班主任吃惊的睁大了她的双眼,她显然没有料到她能从她的得意门生的口中听到这样的话。
  李维看着班主任,又把他刚才的话重复了一遍:"我不想写。"他说。
  这个时候李维变成了全班的中心,四十多双好奇的眼睛全部对准了李维,整个教室在一瞬间变的安静了起来,不,不只是安静,简直能算是寂静。
  班主任和李维互相对视着,似乎都在等着对方先开口。班主任的脸开始慢慢的苍白起来了,"为什么?"她几乎是颤抖着说出了这句话。
  李维先是把头低了下去,考虑了一会儿之后他便站了起来,"老师,"他说,"我认为这个图画画的根本不对,游戏并不是这个样子的。"
  在那以后的很长一端时间里,我曾经无数次的幻想过如果我可以再一次经历那个场景的话,那么我一定会毫不犹豫的为李维鼓掌,而且能鼓多大声就鼓多大声。然而幻想毕竟只是幻想,当时的实际情况是我很紧张的看着李维,连大气都不敢出一口。
  "你这是什么意思?"我们的班主任很快就恢复了镇定,语气也变的严肃了起来。
  李维转过了头目视前方,缓缓的说道:"游戏不是这个样子的,不是像图上画的这样,老师。"
  "哦?"班主任的双眉挑了起来,"不是这样的?那好,你来说说看,游戏是什么样子的?"
  "游戏是我的朋友。"李维很平静的说。
  教室里又一次陷入了寂静,我几乎能够感到时间的流动,头顶上的那个寿命将尽的日光灯还在挣扎的向外吐露着微弱的光芒,刺刺拉拉的声音扰乱着教室中紧张的气氛。
  "哈,你说什么?朋友?你说游戏是你的朋友?"班主任笑了。
  "对,没错。"李维点了一下头。
  班主任的手重重的拍在了李维的桌子上,发出了砰的一声闷响,我被这声音吓了一大跳,我偷偷的瞟了一眼班主任,他的一只手扶在桌子上,对李维简直可以算得上是怒目而视。
  "那好,既然你这么认为,那你来看看,你的这个朋友把咱们班的成绩搞成了什么样子,咱们班多少原来学习不错的同学因为你这个朋友而退步,嗯?"
  李维什么都没有说,他依然平静的目视前方。
  "李维,我告诉你,你别觉得你现在成绩不错你就想怎么样,你要是这样下去的话,那你就完蛋定了!"班主任已经是在怒吼了。
  李维的脸上浮现出了一种似笑非笑的表情,他沉默了一会儿之后说道:"随便您怎么说吧。"
  自从那个下午之后,平常对李维特别关注的班主任就再也没有给过李维一个好脸色,不过李维也不是那种看别人脸色活着的人,他依然我行我素,最后在中考中以全班第一的身份进入了我们这里最好的高中。不过不幸的很,他在高考中发挥失常,最终和我一样进入了同一所并不怎么出名的大学。

 

今时
  后来我们都毕业了,一起进入了一家软件公司,他是程序员而我是个会计。再后来我们身上的棱角就被慢慢的磨平了,一开始嫌工资低工作累而总是嚷嚷着要跳槽的李维,现在可以对着一串一串的代码再没有一句怨言了。而我也收起了要在半年内成为财务总监的野心,整天老老实实的在借贷两栏中填入相应的数字。
  那天下班的时候,我对李维说咱们去吃面吧,就去大学对面那家。李维犹豫了一下说成,不过得快点,晚上我还有事呢。
  我们面对面的坐着,两碗热气腾腾的牛肉面摆在我们面前。透过热气我突然发现李维的变化其实是挺大的。他比上学那会儿胖了不少,第二层下巴已经初具规模,脸上也多了一种我以前从来没有见到过的疲惫。我感觉现在坐在我对面的李维是那样的陌生,那个下午的李维离我是那样的遥远。
  "你还记得那个下午吗?"我没头没脑的冒出来一句。
  李维并没有马上回答我,他依然吸溜吸溜的吃着他的面条。过了很久之后他才反问道:"哪个下午?"
  "初二,你和当时的班主任吵架的那次。"
  李维的脸上出现了一种迷茫的神情,显然那段记忆在他的脑中已经模糊一片了。作为这个记忆片段的主角,他已经忘了这一切。然而我这个旁观者却还很清楚的记得那中的每一个细节,这真是一种讽刺。
  "我们吵什么了?"老半天之后他问我。
  "游戏,因为游戏。"我提醒他。
  "哦!"李维恍然大悟的叫了一声,"就是我说游戏是我的朋友那次是吧?"
  我点点头。
  李维笑了,不过不是那种开心的笑,而像是嘲笑。"那时候小,还不懂事呢。"他把手在空中挥了挥,"其实老师也是为了咱们好,他要是认为我说的对那才不正常呢。"
  "那现在呢?你是不是还是把游戏当作是朋友?"我问。
  "废话,当然是。"李维把筷子放下,靠到了椅子的靠背上,"没有它我就没饭吃了。"
  我指出李维你这是把游戏当作是赚钱工具。
  "有什么区别么?能帮我赚钱的当然就是我的朋友。"李维说着,脸上同时浮现出一种貌似猥琐的神情。
  我平静的看着他,什么都没说,因为我觉得他说的对,虽然这句话听起来并不是十分的顺耳。
  "其实生活中哪来的那么多的激情啊?"李维笑着说,"曾经经历过,感受过,这就够了,其实平淡才是生活的本质,能吃饱,能穿暖,能有点余钱孝敬父母,生活再时不时的给我来个小惊喜什么的,我就满足了……"
  我微笑着点点头,然后转过头对着那个忙忙碌碌的店小二说了句:"结帐"。
  我们走出了小面馆而走向了公共汽车站,我们坐同一路车,他比我早下两站――今天他要去他女朋友家见见未来的丈母娘。我们经过了我们大学旁边的一家网吧,我和李维把大学时代的大部分课余时间放在了那里,虽然现在那家网吧的名字换了,老板换了,顾客们也换了一茬又一茬,然而当我经过它的时候我依然嗅到了一丝熟悉的气息,我这个时候看了一眼李维,他经过那间网吧的时候目不斜视,一脸的冷漠。
  在站牌底下等车的时候,我和他有一搭没一搭的聊着天,聊的大部分就是生活琐事,什么公司里谁又涨工资了,什么谁又升职了,谁在背后议论老板最后让老板知道了等等。在三四年前,我宁可相信世界上还有活着的恐龙也不相信有一天这些东西会成为我们的谈话主题。那个时候我们更多的是拿着一个煎饼等待在还没有开门的宿舍楼门前谈论着《星际争霸》的各种战术以及操作,现在想想,真不知道那个时候的我们和现在的我们究竟哪个更加可笑。
  我们刷月票上了车,车上早已经没座了,我们就拉着扶手继续着我们的谈话。李维突然心血来潮的给我讲起了他和他女朋友的浪漫史,其中将到肉麻之处的时候还真让我不禁打了几个冷战。我说行了行了别说了,我快酸死了,不过我提醒你小子可要留神啊,没准风花雪月在不以后就该变成油盐酱醋了。李维说这个我早有准备,到那个时候我会要一个孩子,当然最好是男孩。我不会逼着他学画画啊钢琴啊之类的东西,我会教他玩游戏,我要慢慢的告诉他年轻的生命就是用来体验热情的,不要等到长大了不得不循规蹈矩的生活之后,才发现自己的年轻时候的生活竟然是一片空白。
  我听着,仔细的听着,我仿佛感到那个初二时候的李维有来到了我的面前。
  我看着车窗外面,天已经黑了,一天即将过去,和今天相同至少是相似的一天又将开始。但是尽管雷同,但是新的一天毕竟是新的一天,它是新的。
  整个城市华灯初上。■

责任编辑: 麦加登

“贵美国”与“贱美国”

反智书生 - 薛涌 首页

标签专用叶